antof9

*hugs*

Father's Day isn't a religious occasion in the UK. Church services on Father's Day aren't about Father's Day at all - although it may be mentioned in passing, just as things that are topical in the news are mentioned in passing. Same on Mothering Sunday. Church services tend to be about God and the Bible and the Christian life.

I didn't go to church today, because I was working in an elderly care home - and for some reason, the care home decided to make a great occasion out of Father's Day, and the residents all had a three course meal for lunch, with aperitifs. It seemed quite bizarre to me - the residents are mostly women, and they were saying 'What's the occasion?' and when we said 'Father's Day', they said 'But we're not fathers!' Still it was nice to have a reason for celebration and to have something a bit different from their normal routine.

Father's Day and Mother's Day aren't religious occasions in the US either - I guess it depends on the family. I've never really heard of anyone going to church specifically on those days (unless they go to church every Sunday). But I think with some families it is more of a religious tradition. In general, I think we probably do things like you do in the U.K.

I see someone else here talking about making a point of going to church on Father's Day, so it must be common in some (regions? religions? families?) in the U.S.

Incidentally, today (Monday) is the 15th anniversary of my father's death. But I wasn't nearly as close to him, though he was as good of a divorced-and-living-an-hour-away dad as he could be.

I realized I should have noted (because many people commented on it) that I don't think it's a religious occasion either. It is, however, usually commented on or spoken about in our normal church services. Thus, since I normally go on other Sundays, I was saying why I don't go on this one :)

I'm sorry about your dad. It makes me think we're old to not have our dads anymore, regardless of how present they were when they were actually on earth.

Thanks for the hugs :)

I guess I should have said (because many people commented on it) that it's not a religious occasion here either. It is, however, usually commented on or spoken about in our normal church services. Thus, since I normally go on other Sundays, I was saying why I don't go on this one :)

Your Father's Day party for the women makes me giggle :)

(((((hugs)))))

thanks, friend :)

*extra hugs

extra-appreciated :)

Loving you.

Thanks for doing that :)

I don't think you need to, either. You're honoring him in a truer way than those who go to church because it is the thing to do. I'm sorry father's day is hard on you. Hugs.

Thanks, my friend. And honestly, it's much better than it used to be. This new way of observing it is actually making it much nicer!

Thanks for the hugs :)

I totally understand. I miss my dad too. It's not been quite 3 years yet. I don't go to church much anymore and it isn't because I blame God. It's judgmental people and haters. Some of it has to do with how my dad died and some it is how the world is in general.

It seems like there are an awful lot of judgmental haters in this world. blech.

*hugs* to you, sweetie.

((((((hugs))))))

Thanks for the hugs :)

He sounds like he was completely amazing, and could have shown the other dads out there (like mine) a thing or two about how to do it right. Big hugs from me, and I'm so glad you have such happy memories of him.

He was pretty amazing. Not perfect by any means, but still ... pretty amazing. I know not everyone has that, which makes me even more grateful.

Thanks for your hugs and kind words, my friend :)

*hugs*

It's possible that having children of their own distracts from the very real-ness of not having a Father on Father's Day.

As a person who has children and a father who has passed on -- I can say that, for me, having children of my own does not distract me from the reality of no longer having a father, myself... the day sort of amplifies that feeling and makes Father's Day a real difficulty for me.

I think that's how at least one of my brothers feels. I feel awful for him that it's an even harder day.

Thanks for your hugs, and here are some back, my friend.

{{{{{asterapallas}}}}}

I can see that I'm odd man out, but I don't get Father's Day. I mean, I understand it, but the whole "daddy's girl" thing just leaves me baffled...ok, yes, and envious.

My birth father was not a nice man. Apparently, I was a daddy's girl until the age of 2 1/2. When my sister was born, he was livid that it was a girl, because "real men have sons". She was a few months old when he left, but he had been running around long before that. I didn't know any of this until after I was grown and my grandmother told me.

He lived 7 miles away, and the only time I ever saw him was when my mother and step-father took us to his house and made us all sit and visit for an hour, or one of my aunts would take us to my grandmother's house when she knew he would be there. Surprise!! Then they would make him drive us home. I stopped that when I was 12 and overheard them fighting about having to drive us home.

After the age of 2 1/2, I never spent a night or had a meal under my father's roof. I have no good memories of him at all-I may have spent a grand total, collectively, of 24 hours in a room with him over the 35 years he was alive. He remarried (and has a son 6 months younger than my sister) and had 2 sons. Good for them.

When I was almost 9, Mom remarried. Marshall, (aka Dad), raised us. He is a kind, decent man, but we never bonded. He's just weird and eccentric, and mostly embarrassing. He never took part in my life, other than seeing that we were clothed and had food on the table. He never saw me perform at half time, he never saw me twirl, he never came to parent's day at college, or knew any of my friends. And today, I keep in touch, because one of the last things Mom asked of me was that I don't abandon him when she was gone. So, until he broke his hip, he was with us on all holidays, etc. Do you know that I have 3 step-children, and he couldn't tell you one of them's name-despite spending years of holidays with them. He has no idea how many grandchildren I have.

So, I was cheated out of knowing how to have a relationship with a father. And I never really minded until I heard stories like yours, when I find that I'm sad and jealous.

Johnnie's kids ignore the day too. His ex-wife always engineers some big to-do for them for their step-father. So, by the time they do that, there is, at most, a quick phone call. How disfunctional! ;-)

But, the whole thing is that I'm sorry to see you so sad today. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. But, take comfort in the fact that even though he didn't see you at 42, he knows--at least that's what I believe. I think he's watching you and bursting at the seams with pride in the person you have become. And when you put the flowers down and remember his favorite color, he will be beaming and thinking what a great daughter you are to remember such trivial things. He's still in your heart, and as long as someone remembers him, he will never be gone.

Lots of hugs and envy for what sounds like a joyous relationship.

Oh tw :( All sad, sorry to hear about all that . I hope you overcome the sadness and jealously quickly.

best wishes

You don't ever need to be in church. You certainly don't have to go if you don't want to. That would be weird, since you are hardly likely to be doing any sort of worshipping if you don't want to be there. (Also, I don't think you really need to explain it. Not to us, not to anyone, not to yourself. )

I am sure you are doing the perfect ritual to honour your dad the way you are - visiting his grave and remembering him and sharing the experience of life and loss together with wanderjen.

I agree. I think the ritual of visiting his grave and remembering can be just as fulfilling (maybe more) as the ritual of going to church would be for someone else. I also don't go to church. My dad's been gone since 1984 (and I've been gone from the church since shortly after that), and I've never ever had the feeling that I couldn't remember him or honour him unless I was in a church. He's with me no matter where I think of him.

I always find your posts about your father completely endearing and heartfelt and honest. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of yourself with all of us. You must have been very special to him too.

(((hugs)))

Agreed. This is my third Father's Day without Daddy. I went to church on the first one within a month of the loss and have since determined God doesn't require me to be a complete wreck in public. Surprisingly enough, I didn't even cry today (until I read your journal entry anyway). I had debated getting out a letter my dad wrote me once when I was in high school- but opted not to do so. I didn't think he'd wish me to spend the day alone (except for my dog) and mourning and dwelling in the past. Much like what I think you expressed, there's still a sense of unreality (term probably used incorrectly- but typing on) that he wasn't at my niece's wedding in May or my nephew's graduation a week ago yesterday or helping my mom with vacation bible school last week. (I knew him for 38 years. How can I not know his favorite color?) Anyhow, enough kudzu from me. Thanks for sharing. We'll always miss them (but what a blessing to have missable fathers). We could do much worse.

hugs,
wendy

Having kids doesn't lessen it. It's actually worse. I'm hurting and I have to slap on a happy face to make it a good day for Matt & the kids and of course, Matt still has *his* dad, so my inlaws are usually over too and I just want to sit in the laundry room and cry.

*hugs to you and Jen*

There's no expiration date on grief. Your decision honored both Fathers if you ask me.

Speddie said it better than I could have.

I didn't see you and wondered why...now I know (remember). I hope your first day of summer remembering your sweet dad was just what your heart needed. I'm sorry that your dad doesn't know you at 42, but I'm sure he loved you at 32, even if you thought you were dumb, b/c dad's always love their little girls! Ade xoxox

*hugs*

Honey, you don't need to go to church to honor your dad. Going to his gravesite makes for an important visit, but you don't *need* to do that either.

Every time you remember him in the way that you've so eloquently done here - the big things and small, the good times and bad - you do a wonderful job of honoring him. And as long as you keep those memories alive, he'll never really be gone, even though it's a shame that he's not around to see what an amazing person you turned out to be.

And just maybe, that's how you honor him best.

Big, warm hugs to you, sweetie...

*hugs*

I'm missing my dad today too. I went to wish the fathers on my Facebook a happy day and found that I just couldn't do it because, well, because I couldn't say it without adding how much I'm missing my dad today and the combination just seemed wrong to me.

We're supposed to be heading up the hill to spend the evening with Scott's folks and here I am crying my eyes out again. I'll have 45 minutes or so on the drive up to compose myself.

I hope you revisited some good memories today. I'm glad you have your own way of honoring your dad.

Ant, you are so dear to post this and share your heart with us.
{{{HUGS}}}} I think once again, what a lovely person you are and how much I love your "ant-ness".

I think church and worship bring with it an expectation of emotional commitment. When you are bringing more to the table I don't think it's always necessary to be in the community that is church. You honored your Dad, spent time with a friend who also honored hers, reflected on so much that was good about your life because your Dad was yours and you took in the promise of a new season and the promise of more sunny days. If that isn't church, I'm not sure what is!

OXO

No need to explain yourself darling. I didn't go today either, actually. I hope you and Jen had a nice lunch and day together. (((hugs)))

(((Hugs)))

I miss my Daddy, too.

i miss my dad too. hugs to you hon!

You expressed the love you have for your father (still) so beautifully!

You explained the reasons you don't attend church on Father's Day so clearly.

The things that you miss about him show how special he was and how his memory remains in your thoughts and heart after all of these years.

That is a beautiful thing and not something that many women I know can say about their relationships with their fathers.

that was a wonderful piece about your father and fathers in general